..Like They Do On The Discovery Channel?

“DO U WANT 2 SHAG? NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS OR CALLING ME EVERYDAY LIKE LAST TIME. I JUST WANT 2 GIVE YOU A PROPER POUNDING” - C

When I received this text message from my ex, I think it’s safe to say I was completely taken aback. Where was the chivalry? The charm? Or at the very least, a wink-face to soften the blow would’ve been nice. When it comes to sex I have always ranked honesty high on the list, and believed being upfront was the only way to conduct a healthy relationship. But I have to admit, when this little gem beeped into my inbox at 6am on Sunday morning, I was forced to rethink whether honesty really was the best policy. Or was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, merely an archaic fantasy?

As I desperately scoured my minimal relationship experiences for a sliver of candors existence, It dawned on me that perhaps we have all been conditioned to hold a certain level of dishonesty when it comes to the opposite sex. Old sexual stereotypes portray the ideal female as a demure, respectable young lady - While men were expected to be strong, proper gentleman, who treated women accordingly at all costs. Girls: Smile, cross your legs and be pretty. Men: Take charge, open doors and pay for dinner. Despite the complexities of human beings, for a majority of our ancestors, the law of attraction was cut and dry modesty. Thanks to the sexual revolution of the 60’s, BigBrother Uncut and a number of Peaches Album’s, our society is obviously far more liberal these days – however there is still undeniably some level of sexual etiquette that forces us to stifle our urges and behave. If *insert un-researched bias news program here* is correct, and we do model our behavior on the deviant music and television programs currently available, then in theory sexual restraint should not exist today. So why does it? Evolution proves that we were all monkeys to begin with…so shouldn’t we all be doing it ‘like they do on the discovery channel’ by now?

Well, maybe not. As a sexual invitation to their female counterparts, Male primates’ squat with their knees spread wide, and while slapping their palms on the ground, thrust their pelvis forward to display their erect penis. Although this mental image may not seem so strange to anyone who has witnessed the drunken 3am dance of the typical Australian male, on a whole this sort of public animalistic behavior would obviously not make for a very productive society. Therefore when parading our mojo is a no-go, we humans have cleverly learnt there are other, more prolific methods to get our freak on.

Innuendo (commonly referred to as beating around the bush) has now become dating protocol – by mastering the use of metaphor, body language and tight fitting clothes, we are able to express all those naughty things we want to do to each other and still appear to be the semi-respectable people our mother’s hoped for. The art of suggestion is not a new concept - A young man called Bobby wrote in a 1950’s youth magazine,

“When a boy takes a girl out and spends $1.20 on her (like I did the other night) he expects a little petting in return!”

Even in this seemingly innocent era when sexual decorum was at its peak, flirting had nothing to do with honesty. Bobby had that car all warmed up and waiting at the make out spot when he invited Peggy-Sue to the local diner, because chivalry and charm; whether it’s opening a door, or blowing $1.20 on a milkshake, is simply good, old fashioned sexual innuendo.

So why do we even waste our time when we all know what we really want? Maybe The Bloodhound Gang and my Ex were onto something. Should we put a stop to all this hair twiddling and Facebook poking and just get it over with already? Yes, we would be saving ourselves a lot of blood, sweat and hair product if we did - but what we would in turn be losing is the exact excitement we all long for; the flirty eyes, the wining, the dining, the footsies under the table, the anticipation and the butterflies. Even birds have extensive, colorful mating rituals to attract sexual partners, and while Darwinists conclude this is purely an evolutionary development - I think our feathered friends have decided that they too, prefer the thrill of the chase. And can we blame them? At the end of the day, innuendo reminds us that figuring out the puzzle can be just as satisfying as the prize.

So if a ‘proper pounding’ is all you’re really after…I’d like my $1.20 milkshake with a little extra sugar thanks Bobby!